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I Don't Get It: The Feature Film

It was 1998. August 20, 1998. I had an idea: ANOTHER MOVIE, and it was to be based off of my substantial work I Don't Get It. Plans were made, designs drawn, and the title was choosen: I Don't Get It: The Feature Film. It was named by me, the same guy who named Jimmy Joe and the BOX: The Motion Picture. Pretty creative, huh?

By August 25, 1998, the whole script was already done and design sketches for Gary Richards, the story's bad guy, and the powerful Gary Gun were drawn. Things were moving full ahead, and even Spatula Boy was being fleshed out. But then, as fast as it began, work ended. I soon began to feel that I Don't Get It simply did not have enough in it to make a film. Besides that, what was there would have been increasingly difficult to do. With characters like Raptor and Spatula Boy in the story, there was no forseeable way to create them for the film. Our budget was small, and our special effect techniques even smaller. But that was back in 1998. As I write this, just five years later, computer technology has evolved at such a rapid pace that it may be possible to create computer generated Spatula Boys from my own desktop. Such programs do exist for personal use now, but give another five to ten years and who knows what we'll be able to do. I may even be able to make I Don't Get It: The Feature Film entirely on the computer!

But until that day comes, feel free to enjoy the finished first draft screenplay and some techy stuff about the I Don't Get It: The Feature Film.

I Don't Get It: The Feature Film
Original screenplay by Joshua Gulch
BLACK SCREEN Silence. Then, a loud BOOM as "JG CINEMATIC PRODUCTIONS PRESENT" appears on screen and fades out. Another BOOM as "A JOSHUA GULCH FILM" appears and also fades away. A third, more monstrous BOOM, and "I DON'T GET IT" appears. A moment later, "THE FEATURE FILM" fades in right under "I DON'T GET IT". The two fade out TOGETHER. INT. HOUSE - DAY Enter to a MODERATE HOUSE. BRYAN MACAFEE sits on the COUCH, watching TV. On the TV is a commercial advertising a "RICE-A-RONI THREE PACK LIMITED TIME OFFER". The PHONE NUMBER is flashing down at the bottom of the screen. He is slumped back on the couch, and a bit of DROOL hangs from his chin. COOKIE CRUMBS cover his shirt. He has the fair appearance of a bum. He looks confused. The commercial is just to much for him to handle. BRYAN I don't get it. The MAN on TV speaks loudly of the "amazing savings of this once-in-a-lifetime offer". JOSH looks up at Bryan. Josh is looking at a flask of greenish-red liquid with a little yellow foam on top. A label on the outside is labeled "THYNOXOFYTHEUIOCLEAOSIOCHYIC ACID". Josh pulls a dissolved STIRRER out of it. JOSH What? BRYAN I just don't get it. JOSH (Sighs) Don't you ever shut up? BRYAN (More to himself than to anyone) I just don't get it. Josh grumbles, sick of hearing Bryan's stupidity. He looks down at the beaker in front of him. Looks back up at Bryan. Beaker. Bryan. Beaker. Bryan. Then picks up the beaker and hurls it at Bryan. Josh dives for cover as it flies through the air. JOSH Hit the deck! The beaker hits Bryan and EXPLODES. Bryan and bits of the couch fly through the air. Bryan eventually lands in a charred and crumpled mess over in the corner. A piece of BURNT BOLOGNA falls out of his pocket. Josh walks over to Bryan. For a moment, there is silence, except for the TV ANNOUNCER. ANNOUNCER ...When my grandpa was mayor of Hill Valley, he had to worry about traffic problems. But now, you don't have to worry about traffic! I'll hover-convert your old road car into a skyway flyer, for only $39,999.95. So come on down... JOSH (Looking at Bryan) Great! Now you've ruined the couch! BRYAN (Slowly and strained) I...still...don't...get...it. ANDY enters the room. He's a moron, and he knows it. He approaches Bryan, looks at him, and laughs like a dork. Josh begins looking around the room, searching. Hunting. For something. He begins looking through a large box that contains mostly, among other things, toilet plungers. He tosses them out as he goes through the box. MANTON and DANNY walk in while Josh is looking. JOSH (Slightly agitated) Where's my clock? MANTON (Beat) Enspeil! Andy laughed again, and DANNY slaps him upside the head. Andy stops laughing. ANDY (Shouting happily) I'm a complete idiot! Bryan burps quite loudly when JEFF walks in with a BABY VELOCIRAPTOR PUPPET on his hand. The Raptor is not a conventional hand puppet, but rather has a mind of its own. JEFF Mommy! Mommy! He followed me home! Can I keep it? ANDY Duh... y'okay! (Giggles) JEFF Yay! Cha-cha-cha-Raptor! The Raptor tries to eat him. Bryan comes back dressed as ALAN GRANT from Jurassic Park. He is Bryan's personal hero (Grant gets to wear a hat. That's the real reason behind it.) and Bryan gets his kicks out of dressing like him. BRYAN I don't get it. A horse's neighing sound can be heard from the other side of the room. It turns out to be the clay POKEY whom we met in Shumi-Shumi Man VI. He is playing an old ATARI from the early eighties. POKEY Where's my leg? JOSH (About the Atari) Where did you get that? POKEY It fell out of the sky. A sinister voice speaks. GARY Sure it did. Everyone looks at the voice's origin. It's none other than GARY RICHARDS, AKA Gerald the Tour Guide. Gasps escape everyone, except Josh who screams at the top of his lungs. Josh runs to the wall, opens a CASE, and pulls out his GARY GUN. It is a sinister looking weapon, and it is quite large, too. But Josh isn't fast enough. Gary swings at Josh with a DOOR and hits him in the head. Josh flies backwards. The Raptor tries to eat Gary, but fails. Andy grabs the Gary Gun and kills Gary by beating him to death with it. And then the gun misfires and wounds Andy, but he'll live. Bryan seems almost oblivious to everything happening. BRYAN I don't... EVERYONE (Screaming) WE KNOW! YOU DON'T GET IT! BRYAN Yeah. RAPTOR (With a speech impediment) Dat's no fair. Jeff whispers something to the Raptor, and the Raptor changes his mind. RAPTOR Neber mind. Bwyan da dork. Jeff gives the Raptor a treat. JEFF I've trained him. RAPTOR Tsa-tsa-tsa-yummy! Manton barges in. MANTON Hey! I want better lines! All I've gotten to say this whole movie was "enspeil". I demand better lines! JOSH Danny? John. Danny hits John. John hits Danny. Raptor eats BILL THE BROOKLYN BUG. GUNTHER punches Jeff. Josh socks himself. And Bryan doesn't get it. JOSH Well... Josh and everyone else pull out the SCRIPTS. Each one is a large stack of papers stapled together with a red top sheet that says "I DON'T GET IT: THE FEATURE FILM" on it. Everybody thumbs through it until they reach the present spot. JOSH Let's see here... (Thumbs through script) "Where's my clock?", "Enspeil!", Gary...Hmmm...Well, you're right. Uh, well... I'll give you the part of...(Sees Raptor) Raptor Numero Deus. All you have to do is growl and snarl every once in a while. Let's hear you try it. MANTON (Monotonously) Growl, snarl, snap. (Sarcastically) Gee...thanks. JOSH Yeah...whatever. Everyone tosses the scripts aside (i.e., OFFSTAGE) and resumes the movie. JOSH I'm glad that's settled. BRYAN I don't get it. BEETHOVEN, BACH, and MOZART show up. Ludwig van Beethoven and Johann Sebastian Bach are actually in the house, whereas Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is outside. They all speak with heavy German accents. BEETHOVEN Ba-a-a-a-a-ad Ma-a-a-a-a-att. BACH Velcome! EXT. HOUSE - DAY Mozart is driving past the house, trying to find a parking spot as he waits for Beethoven and Bach. Andy sticks his head out the window. ANDY I'm a Jurassic Dork! Andy's commentary distracts Mozart, and he ends up getting into an accident with the mailbox. MOZART (Waving hand at Andy) Oh, you stupid kid! Andy only smiles dumbly. INT. HOUSE - DAY BACH Uh oh. Beethoven and Bach rush out of the house to help Mozart. MANTON Um...hasn't it occurred to anyone that they're all supposed to be dead? A pause from everyone as they all stare blankly at the door where the great composers just exited from. ANDY Well, nobody's perfect. BRYAN (Breaking the silence) My Power Kitty is in the macrowave! ANDY This is for the seafood lover in you: (With no melody) La, la, la, la. Everyone kicks Andy twice. DANNY Now, um...just how many horns does a tri...tri...um...what's it called? RAPTOR Twicewatops! DANNY How many horns does a triceratops have? RAPTOR He da Durassic Dork. ANDY NO! He is not! I am! In order to end the competition, Andy kills Danny. The Raptor doesn't like Andy's attitude and tries to eat him, only to spit him out. RAPTOR Icky. Yucky. He's indi-, indi-... JEFF Indigestable? RAPTOR Yeah. Yucky. ANDY That's because I wear Raptor Guard! Andy holds up a tube of RAPTOR GUARD. He smiles like a salesman showing off his product. RAPTOR Meanie-head. Andy stucks his tongue out at the Raptor and Jeff slaps him. Bryan enters carrying a TRAY with a green, glowing POWER KITTY on it. BRYAN I don't get it. (Beat) Dinner is served! Everyone groans and the Raptor wrinkles its nose. Bryan takes a bite of the power kitty and then violently throws up. RAPTOR Pretty colors. MANTON Growl, snarl, uh...bite. Yeah. That's it. JEFF Good jov! Ya moron. JOSH That's good JOB. With a "B". JEFF I know, but you accidentally hit the "V" key. JOSH (Grabbing his script again and finding the right place) Oops. ANDY (To Josh) I'll kill you for that! JOSH Oh, shut-up. Andy stops, and at the same time, the door is kicked open and SPATULA BOY enters the room. Raptor sees that she must defend everyone and so attacks Spatula Boy. SPATULA BOY You are no match for Spatula Boy, you weakling! And then Raptor rips open Spatula Boy's chest and bites out his jugular. SPATULA BOY Clever girl. I believe I have underestimated you. But I'll be back. (Dies) Raptor is victorious and Spatula Boy fades from existence. RAPTOR I win! Everyone cheers for Raptor except Bryan who is still vomiting. He stops soon after. He looks up and has little BITS of power kitty running down his chin. It is quite gross. BRYAN I don't get it. Josh finds a clock in a box of JUNK. JOSH I found it! Yay! (Looks at it) Wow. It's time to go. Bye bye. JEFF Cha-cha-cha-Chia! RAPTOR Da-da-da-dat's aww fowks! DANNY Good night and Gawd bless says I, your local idiot. JOSH Aren't you dead? ANDY (Ignoring Josh's fact) HEY! I'M THE IDIOT! Andy and Danny begin to fight. JEFF Cha-cha-cha-Bye! MANTON Growl, snarl, bye! JOSH GO! SCRAM! GET OUT OF HERE! BRYAN (Looking at his script) It says here I'm not allowed to say bye. CUT TO: BLACK SCREEN The screen goes black. Then an epilogue sentence appears. It reads: Everyone in this film went on to do other things. Except for Bryan, who didn't get it and died shortly after without ever understanding anything. That sentence fades out and is replaced with: "I don't get it." ~Bryan MacAfee, 1982-1999. That too fades out and is replaced with a simple The End.
And then that fades out and the end credits role.

Techy Stuff.

Information current as of August 1998.

Title
I Don't Get It: The Feature Film

Director
Joshua Gulch

Cast
Bryan MacAfee ...... Bryan
Joshua Gulch .......... Josh
Andy Black ............ Andy
John Manton ........... John
Danny Hubbs .......... Danny
Jeff Osthimer ........... Jeff
TBD ........................ Raptor
TBD ........................ Gary
TBD ........................ Beethoven
TBD ........................ Bach
TBD ........................ Mozart
TBD ........................ Spatula Boy

Music
TBD

Screenplay
Joshua Gulch

Based on a story by
Joshua Gulch,
I Don't Get It, �1995 JG Press

Release Date
TBD

Production Date
Summer, 1999

References
Jurassic Park
Shumi-Shumi Man VI
Looney Tunes
Red Skeleton

Includes
Back to the Future, Part II

Spoofs
Jurassic Park
Superman

Rating
PG

Plot
This story deals with the day-to-day life of a bunch of morons. If anything makes any sense, then the title is well applied.

Return to Filmography

"I Don't Get It: The Feature Film"
�1998, Joshua Gulch. All Rights Reserved.

Page engaged 3 August 2003.
Last updated 3 August 2003.
� 1998-, JG Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.