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I Don't Get It

The Story Of SOMETHING! was, well ... misunderstood. No one got it. Everyone who read it put it down saying that there was no plot. No action. No characters. (It kinda reminds me of Koyaanisqatsi. If I do a Story of SOMETHING movie, I'll have to hire Philip Glass to do the score.) Anyway, who needs all the fancy stuff like characters or even plot? NOT I! But, in order for my stories to regain success, I'd have to return to the characters and the plot and everything else. Then I Don't Get It came out. It documented a "typical" day for a bunch of my friends, featuring MacAfee, who just couldn't get it.

Since this story was written, I've broken off all communications with more than half of the people in it. For that reason, in 1999 I went back to and made some modifications. I got rid of the people I don't like anymore and replaced them with better people. On 3 August 2003, while adding the story to my HomePage, I did a couple of grammatical revisions. It's now Version 2.5, and here it is: I Don't Get It: The Director's Cut, in its entirety.

I DON'T GET IT.
• The Director's Cut •
BY JOSHUA GULCH
AUTHOR OF THE BEST SELLERS JIMMY JOE AND THE BOX AND THE STORY OF SOMETHING!
"I don't get it," said Bryan MacAfee staring at the T.V. which was still flashing the phone number for the Rice-a-Roni three pack. "I just don't get it."
"Don't you ever shut-up?" I yelled from my lab across the room.
"I just don't get it," Bryan said again.
I threw a beaker full of Thynoxofytheuiocleaosiochyic Acid at the fool sitting on the couch watching the Leased Access Channel. He had cookie crumbs all over his shirt. When the beaker hit him, he blew up.
"Now you ruined my couch!" I said.
"I ... still ... don't ... get ... it," Bryan murmered. He was laying in a charred heap in the corner. Burned bologna fell out of his pocket.
Andy walked in. "Ha ha," he laughed like a dork.
Now I was looking through boxes of toilet plungers. "Where's my clock?"
"Enspiel!" yelled John Manton.
Andy laughed again. Danny slapped him silly.
"I'm an idiot!" Andy shouted happily.
Bryan burped loudly.
Jeff walked in with a Velociraptor. "Mommy, mommy he followed me home! Can I keep him?"
"Duh, okay." said Danny. "Moo?"
"Yay! Cha-cha-cha-Raptor!" Jeff said.
The raptor ate him.
"I don't get it," Bryan said. He was dressed like his hero, Alan Grant.
We suddenly heard giggling from across the room. It was Pokey! Can you believe it? He was playing an old Atari from 1983.
"Where did you get that?" I asked inquiring about the Atari.
"It fell out of the sky!" Pokey said.
"Sure it did," said an evil, sinister voice
We all turned toward the voice. It was Gerald the Tour Guide back for more!
I screamed and grabbed my patented GARY GUN^TM and ran away.
"Oh goody, more fun!" It was Jeff. He had the Raptor sitting on his shoulder. "Call me Cha-cha-cha-Jeff."
"HI, CHA-CHA-CHA-JEFF!" Everyone said.
Gary smacked me along side the head with a door.
The raptor jumped off Jeff's shoulder and ate Gary then jumped back. Jeff gave the raptor a raptor treat.
"I trained him," said Jeff.
"Tsa-tsa-tsa-Yummy!" The raptor said.
"I don't ...," Began Bryan.
"WE KNOW! YOU DON'T GET IT!" Everyone yelled.
"Yah," He said.
"Dat's no fair!" The raptor said.
Jeff whispered something to the raptor.
"Neber mind," The raptor appologized.
"HEY! I haven't had anything good to say!" complained John. "All I've gotten to say was 'enspiel'! I WANT BETTER LINES!" he pouted.
"Danny," I ordered, "John".
Danny hit John. John hit Danny. Raptor ate Bill the Brooklyn Bug. Gunther punched Jeff. I socked myself. And Bryan didn't get it.
"Here, you can have the part of Raptor Numero Deus," I requested handing John the script.
John read, "Ahem. Growl, snarl, snap. Thanks Josh!"
"Yeah whatever," I replied.
"I don't get it," Bryan said.
"Baaaaad Maaaaatt!" Ludwig chimed.
"Welcome," greeted Johann.
Wolfgang Amadeus drove his DeLorean by the house.
"I'm a Jurassic Dork!" Andy shouted at Wolfgang.
Wolfgang got into an accident looking at Andy.
"My Power Kitty is in the macrowave!" Exclaimed Bryan.
"This is for the seafood lover in you: La, la, la, la!" sang Andy.
Everyone kicked Andy. Twice!
"Duh, now HOW many horns does a tri- tri- triceratops have?" Danny asked for the twenty-seventh time today.
"He da Durassic Dork!" the raptor said refering to Danny.
"He is not! I am!" shouted Andy.
The raptor didn't like Andy's attitude so he ate him only to spit him out again.
"Yucky! He no taste good! He indi-, indi- ..." the raptor tried.
"Indigestable?" I asked.
"Yeah, yucky!" raptor said.
"I don't get it," said Bryan holding a tray with a green, glowing power kitty. "Dinner is served!"
Everyone groaned. The raptor wrinkled its nose.
Bryan ate a bite then turned and violently threw-up.
"Pretty colors," Danny announced.
"Growl, snarl, uh, bite. Yeah that's it," John announced.
"Good jov!," Commented Jeff. "Ya moron!"
"Thats Good JOB," I said.
"I know, but Josh accidentally hit the 'v' key," Jeff explained.
"I'll kill him for that!" I exclaimed.
At that moment, the door flew open and Spatula Boy entered. Raptor attacked ... and won.
"I win!" Raptor said happily.
Everyone cheered, except Bryan who was still barfing.
"I don't get it," Bryan said. He had little bits of power kitty running down his chin.
"Good night everyone!" Yakko Warner yelled.
"Cha-cha-cha-Chia!" Jeff said.
"Da, da, da, dat's aww fowks!" Raptor said the endings.

THE
END
"Good night and gawd bless," Danny said like an idiot.
"HEY! I'm the idiot!" Andy yelled.
"Cha-cha-cha-Bye!" Jeff announced.
"Growl, Snarl, Bye!" John muttered.
"GO! SCRAM! GET OUTTA HERE!" I screamed.
"I'm not allowed to say bye," Bryan said reading his script.

BYE!
"I don't get it."
-Bryan MacAfee, 1982- 1998

TH' END

Well, that's it. Fun, wasn't it? Of course it was!

This story was almost a whole year in the making! Well, not continuously working. I started it and then forgot about it for almost a year when I decided to finish it. I'm lazy.

Since this story's completion in 1996, I don't speak to Brad, Robert, or Les(ile) anymore, so I replaced them with Pokey (the clay dino-horse), Jeff, and Andy, respectfully. And, I never see Manton, so ... there you have it. It should be noted that I reassigned characters without changing dialogue, and with no regard to the personality of the replacement person. Below is a breakdown of the character changes. I've marked in bold those whom I still speak to today.

I Don't Get It Character Changes
Version 1 1996	Version 2 1999
Bryan MacAfee	Bryan MacAfee
Josh Gulch	Josh Gulch
Danny Hubbs	Danny Hubbs
John Manton	John Manton
Lesile Tipping	Andy Black
Robert McClellan	Jeff Osthimer
Brad Cowell	Pokey Horse
Gary Richards	Gary Richards

The story had the character of "Gerald the Tour Guide". He's a very bad guy in my story. But I have reason to fear the man. He really exists. His name is Gary Richards (I took immediately to calling him Gerald). Here's my story:

Back in June of 1995, I went on a school trip to Washington, DC. Gary was one of the tour guides. Well, MacAfee and the rest of the fools we shared a room with (and me too) decided to invite Gary to our room for pizza. So we ordered pizza, and Gary came. We had the door chained shut to keep out bad people like Manton, and then Gary showed up! He knocked on the door and then said "Like, hello?". I looked at him through the peephole, and then somone opened the door and Gary flung it open and the stupid hook for the chain lock hit me in the eye! It hurt! Since then I've ran from the guy. He is the cause of many nightmares.

A more thorough description of that event can be found, along with an illustration of Gary I made for the planned movie, can be found at my Art Gallery Exposition website.

The part about the German composers, Ludwig van Beethoven, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart comes from a time when MacAfee and I were wondering what the composers would do if they lived today. If memory serves, I believe that Pyotr Illych Tchaikovski drove a freight train.

By giving Manton the role of Raptor Two, I ended up getting him to say "snarl growl" every once in a while. It wasn't a recurring thing, but it was still kinda fun ... in a way.

By the way, the Thynoxofytheuiocleaosiochyic acid that I mentioned is totally made up. I was more or less hitting keys that sounded right. So don't ask how I got the name.

For a while there I had been planning to make this story into a movie, aptly titled I Don't Get It: The Feature Film. A script was written, and some plans made, including a characters list, a design sketch for arch-nemisis Gerald, and a design for the big Gary Gun. My original intent was for a Summer 1999 production, but obviously that never happened. I seriously doubt I'll ever make a filmed version of this story. It would need a lot of revision.

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"I Don't Get It"
©1995, Joshua Gulch. All Rights Reserved.

Page engaged 3 August 2003.
Last updated 3 August 2003.
© 1998-, JG Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.