The Kung-Fu Script!


Kung-Fu Capers was filmed without the use of a written script (that's how talented they were!). In order to post the script here, I had to transcribe what's on the video. So, without further adieu ... here it is.

KUNG-FU CAPERS
original screenplay by BRYAN MACAFEE
transcribed by JOSHUA GULCH

1 A Blackboard

A blackboard, upon which is written Andy Black in, with a happy stick figure. Megan pops up from below.

MEGAN
Andy black in...
She looks around and shrugs.

MEGAN
I don't know!
The blackboard changes to read Kung-Fu Capers.

MEGAN
Kung-Fu Capers!
2 Int.- House

Megan strums a guitar.

3 Ext.- House

Close-ups of Andy's face. His eye, his mouth, his cheek.

Close-up of Megan's eye. Then up-angle on Megan. She's crying.

Andy comes bouncing recklessly by, singing and flailing.

ANDY
Time for cake and sodomy! Do de do do do!
Andy smacks right into Megan, knocking her down.

ANDY
Hey! Krod!
Megan lies stricken on the ground for a moment, in a daze. Then she sits up. From here on, the characters speech is translated into English where noted.

MEGAN (trans)
Hey! You stupid! I kill you!
Andy seems unfazed.

ANDY'S CONSCIENCE
Okay, do it.

ANDY
What?

MEGAN (trans)
I will kill you... jerk!

ANDY (trans)
Uh, yeah, you stupid. I will, I waeeboeebah... We fight!
Megan reacts with surprise. Andy stands there in a frizzy wig, face mask, red striped shirt, polka dot tie, black dress, rainbow socks, and only one shoe!

ANDY
Oops, wrong costume.
4 Int.- House

Andy walks through a house.

ANDY
Wait a minute.
5 Ext.- House

Megan is surprised! Andy is now wearing a karate gi! He points at Megan.

ANDY (trans)
Ha ha ha! Now I am ready to fight you!
The camera pans Andy's figure as exciting music heralds the oncoming adventure.

Megan stands up, ready to whoop some sissy Andy heinie.

MEGAN (trans)
Ehh... Let us go and fight nowww!
Megan throws Andy a raspberry. Andy charges her. Megan is shocked!

GOD
ACTION!
Andy runs right past Megan and across the street.

GOD
ACTION!
Megan takes up chase.

Andy runs up the driveway to another house.

6 Ext.- Girl's House

Andy presses the doorbell as Megan catches up as the door opens.

GIRL
The hell do you want?
Megan stops dead in her tracks. Close-up Andy's eye.

GIRL
I want my eye on tape.
Close-up Girl's eye. Close-up Megan's eye. Close-up on the eye of a Goon!

A Goon charges out of the Girl's garage with a big stick and goes after Megan. Megan cowers.

GOON
Ah ya eh oh ya! Ha ha ha!
The Goon teases Megan with the stick. Megan steals it away and chases after the Goon.

GOON
Dah!
Andy reacts in shock. Megan is all business as she goes after the Goon. The Goon is frightened.

GOON
I'm sorry!
Megan knocks his hat off with the stick.

7 Goon's POV

Andy pounces into frame behind Megan.

ANDY
Ha ha! Wussy MacAfee!
8 Ext.- Girl's House

Megan pokes the Goon in the face with the stick. He falls over dead.

Megan and Andy shake hands in peace, and putting their arms around one another, walk away.

But then Megan pokes Andy with the stick. Andy dies and she triumphantly holds the stick above her head in victory.

MEGAN (trans)
Ha! I have defeated you both! Now I am king! Queen! Wait a second!
©1997, Bryan MacAfee. All Rights Reserved.


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This page engaged 26 March 2001.
Last updated 26 March 2001.
© 1997-, JG Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.