Josh's HomePage : The Story of SOMETHING!

The Story of SOMETHING!

After the competion of Jimmy Joe and the BOX, and before the Jimmy Joe II, I wrote another story on a completely different topic.

It was also based somewhat on a real life topic.

This might be kinda hard to explain.

It might be easier to explain after you read it, so here it is. Have fun.

The Story of...
SOMETHING!
• The Director's Cut •
By Joshua Gulch - Author of Jimmy Joe and the Box
It all started about ninety and a third million years ago when SOMETHING crawled out of the yucky, icky, disgusting, gross, but yet still naftubulistic sludgy slime at the bottom of the lake that later became the Atlantic Ocean. After climbing out and basking in the sun, it opened up the first Comfort Inn near Fairfax, Virginia. It had everything! Queen size beds, free local calls, free Showtime, and broken fire alarms. Oh yeah, and there was an ice machine, too. And right down the road a bit, you had the Dulles International Airport.

The SOMETHING then decided to hire four guys. ALL NAMED JOHN! First there was John D. Rockefeller then there was John Z. DeLorean followed by a guy named John Hammond (Deoxyribonucleic Acid freak) and last there was John (No last name, just John). There was also two other guys, Jimmy Joe, Sr. (who quit because he couldn't seem to find his son...) and there was Stupid Stupid Yow Yow, Sr. (who was thrown in jail for blackmailing the family dog, using his son as a shooting range, cheating in Trivial Pursuit, trying to sell Burger King and McDonalds a special "Mystery Meat" [later found to be processed chipmunk], having an intellegent conversation with Lesile for FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT, and eating frozen octopus bladders [he liked the creamy filling the best], also because he worshiped those greeting cards with a kitty on them). As for the Johns, they worked pretty good until they decided to leave to open up businesses for themselves. Rockefeller opened a gas station, DeLorean made cars, Hammond bought an island off the coast of Costa Rica to build a resort, and John, well, nobody knows what happened to John.

By now, it was the mythical, whimsical year of 1987, the year of the waffles. Yes, every day more than 8,970,742,068 waffles were consumed in the Northern Hemisphere alone (the Southern people aren't waffle nuts like us) Even the SOMETHING ate more than his share in his quiet little bungalow on the tropical island of Kookomo. Finally, the Waffle People of the planet Waffel 9 got mad and launched an attack on earth. They attacked the earthlings by shooting them with maple syrup and by "pancaking" (dull humor, ask your mom) them with giant wafflelizers. Little did their small buttery minds realize was that miscalculated plans (as well as bad directions from that old guy at the truck stop on I -75 who was eating a $1.99 bagel with cream cheese and drinking a small $2.47 coffee with 1/2 a pint of creamer and four teaspoons of sugar added) led them into New York's Central Park where they were soon devoured by a gang of hungry guys. Those who did survive ran into the Central Park Zoo and locked themselves in a big cage to get away from the hungry crowd (they were after all, big waffles). While the others were intimidating the people on the outside, Willie, The Waffle Leader, heard a noise, turned around, and was face to face, er, face to six-foot retractable claw with the legendary Polly, the 80 foot tall parakeet. He screamed. Bad mistake. Giant bloated monster eyesight is based on movement. Willie was soon gobbled up. The others were eaten up too. The hungry people outside got mad at Polly and ate him.

Mean while, not far away, a duck opened it's wings and jumped. Flapping it's wings vigorishly, it continued to fall.

SPLAT! It smashad into the pavement ONE FOOT AWAY FROM A COVENIENTALLY PLACED PILE OF MATRESSES, BLANKETS, PILLOWS, AND FEATHERS! A squirrel picked up a nut next to the pile and headed over to a nearby tree when SOMETHING fell and smashed him flat. Far, far away a dog howled. Funeral processions are as follows: The Duck : 8:00 AM this Saturday. The Squirrel : 6:00 PM this Sunday.

What is this unexplained phenomenom? Is it really unexplained? Is it even a phenomenom for that matter? What is it? It has to be SOMETHING. It's somewhere in this world. In fact, it could be...

RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Well, you're done! What do you think? Or can't you? Are you confused? Disgruntled? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT CONDITION YOU ARE IN? Did you know what you would feel upon completion of the story as you read "It all started about ninety and a third million years ago... "? NO! Of course not! And that is the process upon which The Story of SOMETHING! works! The unexpected. The unpredictable. This is called:

CHAOS
Spiffy, huh?

The definition of Chaos is the field of science that studies the complex and irregular systems of the many systems of nature. This can include changing weather patterns (i.e., The Butterfly Effect), collisions of billard balls, the flow of turbulant fluids, the orbits of particals in Saturn's rings, or even the social behavior of a certain, ellusive SOMETHING. In shorthand, Chaos is everywhere.

So don't try to figure out the story's main plot, because there isn't one. Things happen chaotically. That's it. No plot, no characters. Kind of like director Godfrey Reggio's lovely masterpiece, Koyaanisqatsi. Its been a classic for all these years, and it's still better than this story.

But, then, The Story of SOMETHING! doesn't have Philip Glass writing music for it...

Oh well.

Around 1998, a sequel to The Story of SOMETHING! was begun. I got a whole four lines written and then I gave up. I couldn't think of anything to write about. I then decided that a sequel couldn't be written for this story. Just for the record, the sequel's title was A Tale of STUFF!.

For awhile, there had been plans for a Story of SOMETHING! movie. But, they were dropped after it was realized how difficult it would be. (How does one easily [cheaply] convey a SOMETHING?)

On 3 August 2003, as I was preparing this page for inclusion to my HomePage, I did some revisions to my story. I wrote this in 1995, when I was only a lad of 13 years age. My level of writing maturity has increased significantly since then. I corrected a few grammatical errors and removed an excess of punctuation marks. Not much was changed, the entire story is still there, but it's a little tidier, that's all.

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