Here are some facts about Martin van Buren's sideburns:
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Martin van Buren and his incredible sideburns:
Martin van Buren's ponderous sideburns have earned the respect of an entire nation. These massive vibrissae would often offer safe harbor for birds, squirrels and the occasional stray cat seeking refuge from the cold. van Buren served as the eighth President of the United States from 1837-1841. His presidency was marred by the Panic of 1837, when millions in gold specie disappeared into the cavernous depths of his sideburns. Not even van Buren could pry it out in time and trust me, he tried his very hardest. |
| Yet another reason to hate those lousy Democrat-Republicans:
We admit that their guy John Quincy Adams had some nice sideburns. However, like everything Democrat-Republican, J. Q. only took it halfway. His 'burns are nowhere near as nice as our man van Buren's but isn't it just like the Democrat-Republicans to only go half way? There is a rumor that Vice President John C. Calhoun served no other purpose than to comb Adams' ample sideburns each day. |
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We still like Andrew Jackson, the Father:
Even though Andrew Jackson lacked sideburns of any great notoriety, we at the Martin van Buren Sideburns Appreciation Society recognize that we would not have the amazing van Buren-burns to admire if not for President Jackson. When he wasn't trying to wipe out the Native American peoples he was fighting the Democrat-Republicans. John Quincy Adams may have beat Jackson once but Andy swept around and threw J. Q.'s half-cocked sideburns in the trash before bestowing van Buren onto the world. |
| John C. Calhoun's other hirsuit attribute:
Any true lover of Martin van Buren must also hold a terrific disdain for former Vice President John C. Calhoun. A leftover from J. Q. Adams, Calhoun's singular goal was to make Andrew Jackson's presidency a living hell. However, much as we wish to discard Calhoun as a worthless varmint, we cannot tear our eyes away from his hair. Calhoun sported a Nineteenth Century Man 'Fro that knew not the bindings of gravity or nature. It was a force to be reckoned with. |
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Ambrose Burnside & the Sideburn Revolution:
It is probably unlikely that President van Buren and Civil War General Burnside ever crossed paths, but they certainly would have had a lot to talk about if they had. Combined, both men's massive 'burns could have equaled the total amount of hair on all the residents of Iowa. Burnside's sideburns are sculpted to provide the most aerodynamic lift possible from facial hair. When Burnside got up to speed the airflow over his whiskers could take the general airborne. This was especially helpful on reconnaissance missions over Confederate territory. |
| Martin van Buren's 'burns, a modern perspective:
Scientists have recently taken a closer look at Martin van Buren's grandiose sideburns. Using lasers and computers, they have been able to determine the former President's sideburn quotient. This image shows the conclusive results of the study. KEY TO COLORS: Red - The sideburns Green - Normal hair Blue - Martin van Buren |
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